Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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