Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
