I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
