dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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