Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
