just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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