maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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