Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
