3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
