so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
