i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
