just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
