Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
