Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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