I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
