so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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