I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
