I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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