Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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