Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
