mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
