She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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