seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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