Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
