dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
