my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
