Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
