I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
