I could make wine with my vomit
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
