that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
