wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
