There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
