The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
