Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
