The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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