remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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