Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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