I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
