I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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