I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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