hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
