Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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