So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
