i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize