I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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