I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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