Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
