He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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