So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
