I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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