the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
smell my finger.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We need to get me chipped asap
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
