also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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