so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
