dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
