What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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