I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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